Sometimes I so much lately feel I need to sit down and quietly observe. I just struggle to achieve because things do not go absolutely as I had imagined. Everything happens so simply, so naturally, without hubbub that very often I do not understand at the time that God has to answer me.
When I discovered the Ministry of Spiritual Food here about two years ago, my heart and my soul were wrecks. Not only because of my marriage was broken, but also because I felt like nothing in my life was working.
I was on very bad terms with people who were close friends, I was in conflict with my father, I was full of bitterness toward my bosses that I believed were very unjust to me. To make matters worse it was going very badly for me financially. Yes, I was bitter, I was angry, full of resentment, jealousy, envy…
The worst, I think, was to make me well aware that all the darkness in me was affected those who were around me, and that I had the gift of rotting the atmosphere wherever I was. The most unfortunate in my situation was that I thought I was the victim, I was the misunderstood martyr.
Yet, the Lord is good and merciful! Blessed be Him forever!
I had the nerve to think and say to God in my prayers that I did not know how to live with the people He had put in my life! I had the affront to ask Him why He created me and put me on earth— because I had the impression of not being in my rightful place! This feels almost like a sense of pride within me.
When I read “How God can and will restore your marriage” that’s when I realized my sins, my responsibility, too, in all the dramas that I lived.
Since then I have repented of the evil that I had done and I was full of remorse because I had really hurt people. I would say that my life changed—from that moment I became a new person, but this is wrong. Yes, for a while I sought the Lord to change me, and I experienced a peace I can not describe, so it was perfect.
But soon, I focused again on the circumstances of my life, I took to fight my own battles and of course, my “old demons” had resurfaced. My relationship with my Lord has, again, become superficial. I was unhappy again.
Again, though, God is wonderful! There was about a month while I occupied my mind to trivia, I felt a great emptiness inside me and I felt impressed to read “How God can and will restore your marriage” again, the book that I had abandoned for months. I think I can say today that the Lord broke me by opening my eyes again to all the evil that dwells in me.
The first thing He had convinced me to stop my judgments towards others, to stop complaining about others and complain instead about my own sins because He is a fair judge. I felt for the first time in my life that I had to pray to ask God for the grace to know how to forgive. I ask him again for the forgiveness of my sins. During this period I again approached my father to ask for forgiveness and I finally had enough humility to ask for forgiveness from a friend I had hurt. Glory to God, they have all given me their forgiveness. I feel free of the burden.
The extra blessing that God grants me this day is restoring my finances! To this, my Lord, I’ll never have enough words to thank You!
I would say that it is through perseverance in prayer that God has fulfilled the desires of my heart, but that would be a lie. He gives me all these things even as I wonder how it is to love me when I’m disgusted by my own person! The grace and love of God are so wonderful. That’s all I can say! He loves me, I have the neck as stiff as the people of Israel that He had left in the desert!
“What shall I do with you, Ephraim … my heart is turned within me, all my compassion is aroused … I am the Holy One in your midst?. I do not come in wrath.” Hosea 11:8
I understand that I can not try to please You in my own strength Lord. Each time it was a tough defeat to take. I have nothing to prove it with. You proved Your love to me even though I was immersed in my iniquity.
Lord, the only time I was happy, the only time I know I got a glimpse of the abundant life that you want to offer me is when I concentrated to seek Your face. When I really felt in Your presence. That’s when I had no fear of sinning, I did not get up in the morning afraid to be a disappointment for You during the day. I was just happy to be loved by You.
Grant me, I beg You, the grace to live again like this. I know what true happiness is like God, I ask your forgiveness for being too remote from You!
~ Ghislaine in Africa
Ghislaine is one of our most faithful translators—helping us expand our French Ministry!