Suicide Thoughts—No Longer “Covered Up”— they are Completely Gone!

After reading “Medicate or Heal?” I knew I needed to submit a praise report on this because around the age of 6, I was molested by my older cousin. Due to this, when I was 14 years old, I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital as an attempted suicide. I left a note and everything. Before that, I always had an issue with cutting. I liked blood, I was depressed and very suicidal. Eventually, things got better for me, I got married and I had children and that side of me was covered up. I told myself “That was my childish phase. I was a fool for doing those things. I found Jesus and my life is worth something.” and although that is true, I never actually stayed close to my Strong Protector. Soon the feelings of wanting to be alone and to cut myself became appealing again.

This was even before God had shaken me and turned my EH’s heart from me. So by the time that happened, I was ready for death again. I was planning how to kill myself and getting excited by the thought of cutting again and then no longer feeling anymore emotional hurt. My Dear Sweet HH began speaking to me quickly, not long after these thoughts did I realize that this mindset was not okay. This was from the devil himself and he was fighting to get me to succumb to his ways. I started weeping and thinking about how badly I needed to go back to the psych ward and how badly I needed help. Yet, my Love was fighting for me, although I didn’t know Him as intimately yet, so I decided to call a Christian Counselor. I got an appointment set up with her and felt at ease. Not long after that RYM was introduced to me. I hadn’t gotten ahold of all the principles by the time I started going to see my therapist, but once I did I just did my best to not focus on my EH and just to tell her how I have been. I’ll admit, it was nice talking to her, but she wasn’t who I needed. I needed Him and only Him.

In fact, every time I went to see her, I was just praising what He had done, how He has changed me and that I was encouraged. It wasn’t long before I realized that I didn’t need her, or any medication. I needed Him. I needed the One who loves to love me! The One who listens to me 24/7 and the One who never tells me time is up. My Lord, my Savior, my Redeemer, my Protector, my Love. He has been everything I’ve ever needed, wanted and so much more! He wasted no time in getting those thoughts of suicide out of my head. He knew I didn’t need any medication because what He prescribed was free! It has no bad side effects and it leaves you with the ability to show others love and give others the hope and faith that you recently were begging for!

I can’t explain to you how good He has been to me. He loves me, He holds me, He helps me be the wife and mother I ought to be and He is a wonderful Husband! My Precious has saved me from myself. From my terrible dark thoughts, He has delivered me. I am not the same woman who started this journey 4 months ago. I almost forgot about her and her thoughts of suicide. I’m glad to say that they are no longer “covered up”— they are completely gone! My Heavenly Husband has shown me just how much worth I have and I never doubt my worth anymore. I never doubt that He loves me and I never doubt that He has a plan for me.

I want you to know, sister, that I was down low, very low. No amount of anything was going to change that. I wanted the pain to be gone and I thought that ending my life was the only way, then my Beloved starting talking to me and my life started feeling worthy again. But that wasn’t enough, I thought it meant I needed therapy, how wrong I was because therapy did nothing for me. It was a hindrance. Once I started giving my life to Him and pursuing His love and affection, that is when I was washed clean and made new. I needed Him to fully heal me.

“Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.” Psalms 51:10 KJV

“And he said unto her, Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace.” Luke 8:48 KJV

“But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26 KJV

Remember, He will renew your life and make it better than before. He will restore what you have lost, nothing is impossible with Him!

~ Ruth in Illinois

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