I Felt like I was Fooling Myself

For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake, but My lovingkindness will not be removed from you, and My covenant of peace will not be shaken,’ says the Lord who has compassion on you.” Isaiah 54:10

I had read these verses many times before not knowing what it really meant for me but now I understand why. God and the Lord my Beloved has been answering my prayers not the way I wanted them but in the way they know, I needed. My faith and very foundation which I had established during the beginning of this RJ was shaken when I was asked to live in the same house as my EH. I thought I had been through worst but the tough got tougher and only by His grace I was saved. I prayed, yearned to be close to Him not realising that the pain I am going through was the way He had given me to only rely upon and seek Him for everything, it is His way of pulling me much closer to Him and He is changing my very foundation and the dreams I have for myself.

Dear Brides, whenever you face trials, ask yourself, have you been seeking the Lord for a closer relationship? Then these trials that he has allowed are the roadmaps and shortcuts He uses to have that deep connection with you. I don’t know how, and why but I trust Him and His plans for me and I hope you do too. Just let Him guide you.

Previously, and I am ashamed and repentful to admit that I had doubted His plans for me. Not Him, just His plans for me. The hurt and pain I felt wasn’t enough reason for me to feel that way towards Him since He didn’t owe me anything. After leading me to start FAL and reading Chapter 2 “Finding Your Life“, I realised the time spent alone with Him, when my EH was away, was the time He used to prepare me for what He has planned ahead and I pray to Him to please not let me lose the progress I once had, but stalled, because of my weakness.

He wouldn’t let me be where I am today if He knew I was not ready and by acting the way I did, I shamed him and I am so broken because I had hurt the one who loves me the most. The journey I am taking is a process, as much as I want it to be a shorter one, so my pain would be gone, as much as I keep telling myself I no longer want this (my marriage) because of the hope that when I no longer want it, it would be given to me, as much as I keep telling myself He is all I want and need, everything I felt was like I was fooling myself. Now that I want to start renewing my mind, I have to focus on who truly matters and let go and keep on surrendering to my Beloved everything that has been weighing me down.

My fears for the uncertain future, the pain, the envy I felt for the prosperity of the wicked, my jealousy, my anger, and self-pity. All of these negative emotions are what’s keeping me from Living the Abundant Life He had promised and these are also my motivation to keep pressing into Him much more.

The freedom of letting go and letting him take my burden because I cannot do it myself. Repenting every time it has been raised to my awareness the things that I did wrong, and start praising Him by telling him how much I love and need and wanted him in my life.

There came a time when my love for him was overflowing that whenever I tell him how much I love him, tears of joy fell from my eyes and my heart explodes as if the feelings I have for him cannot be contained inside. But since I returned to live with my EH, my focus changed and my desires were reverted back to my marriage again and this is where my EH showed hostility again towards me. Now he seems more distant than before and intently tries to be mean and hurt me. With this in mind, and also knowing that I had also hurt Him the way I am hurting, I changed my focus and prayed to Him to let me be faithful to the one who deserves my love.

I have this specific song for Him, and it tells that He was the one who first believed in all that I was made to be. Whenever I feel distant from him, I will just play this love song to be reminded of how much I love him and how much he deserves this love I am supposed to give him. Like Michele, when I lose everything that’s where I found the one who has meaning in my life.

Let’s pray! My love, I pray for wisdom to discern things that you have brought to my life which I know are ways for you to draw me closer. Please let me love and praise you for as long as I live and forgive me, also help me heal and forgive those who had hurt me.

Dear Brides, this lesson Chapter 2 “Finding Your Life” is what will bring you closer to him and not look at trials He allowed as punishment but a way to be closer to Him so whenever you face trials of any kind, we can all be glad that the Lord is longing for us to reach out to him.

Please if you are facing trials, read this book. It will help you understand the purpose of the trials He has allowed in your life and will make living easier.

Cherie in Manila
New Tagalog Translator

Follow our #FAL Tag to read the PRAISE from these life-changing books.