"I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine; he grazes among the lilies." S6:3
Hello beautiful brides
This ministry has taught me so much.
I have 4 precious children. About 3.5 years ago, in the middle of a marriage crisis, which I know now, was because I turned my heart away from my Love and idolized my marriage, my husband, and put my Love away. I turned to excessive working out. Weight lifting and running. I turned to clothes and worshiping the creation rather than the creator. I believed a lie for so many years, that looking a certain way, would bring me what I truly wanted.
Well, after having my last baby, I didn't want to go through pregnancy again. Between the sickness, the other physical difficulties I personally experienced, plus the fact my spouse was not interested in our family and said he didn't want any more children we agreed it was best to get my tubes tied.
Well, a few years later, I was very grieved at my decision. My spouse told me he wanted children, and I couldn't give them to him. I hated myself and yes, even him for this. But slowly but surely the Lord changed my heart and I began to see the truth. We were both lost, not knowing our King, His goodness and love for us. We didn't understand how much He cared for us. All we saw was chaos, pain and disappointment in our circumstances. Idolizing everything but him. I can only speak for myself, specifically, of where I fell very short.
Well, the past year, after my spouse told me he wanted more children, my heart began yearning for it so much. Every time I was not pregnant, I would be sad, like a dream and hope of the future was crushed.
But my Love in His goodness and care, showed me what I was doing. He showed me all the times He has brought me through situations I actually thought would kill me, I was so afraid of the what ifs. He showed me how HE brought me through, not just brought me through, but with joy, peace and victory!
So I laid down the desire to have more children. I began thanking Him that my value and my identity is not in being a mother, but it's in Him. Having Him in me and me in Him. I began to not even think about having more babies.
Fast forward six months or so. My spouse messaged me pretty randomly asking me if I ever regretted what I did and if I would be willing to get a reversal. To which I replied the truth but what was most profound to me was that a year ago, I would have fallen to the floor sobbing, excited, filled with such excitement, like Leah in the Bible, oh my husband finally sees me!
Then Leah said, “God has presented me with a precious gift. This time my husband will treat me with honor, because I have borne him six sons.” (gen 30:21)
But oh how sweet, that my Love has gotten my heart. He's held me in His arms so strongly, He has wooed me with His love and told me that I am His and He is mine. My heart didn't even get excited, but remained perfectly set on Him. All those painful trials, taught me, molded my heart and I have learned to be carried into His chambers. Allowing Him to be the lover and Husband I have yearned for all of my life.
"Draw me after you; let us run. The king has brought me into his chambers. We will exult and rejoice in you; we will extol your love more than wine; rightly do they love you." Song of Solomon 1:4
My heart stands firm, that whether I have more precious children, or if I don't, my heart is secure. I can know, in the depths of my soul that if my spouse never brings it up again, I will be just as loved, just as valued, cared for by My True Love.
My trust is in Him. My value doesn't depend on more children. My value doesn't depend on a man wanting more children with me, or him even wanting to be with me!
This is what my heart has always longed for. A peace that surpasses all understanding. A love that teaches to the heavens. A Lover that never rejects me, abandons me, but always is constant and perfect.
"I am convinced that my God will fully satisfy every need you have, for I have seen the abundant riches of glory revealed to me through Jesus Christ!" Philippians 4:19 TPT
"But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, Neither have entered into the heart of man, The things which God hath prepared for them that love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9 KJV
Hello my dear Rasa,
Your blog deeply touched me. I too underwent a tubal ligation because I didn’t want any more children. As it is written: “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge” (Hosea 4:6). I regretted my decision when my husband was elsewhere, and I told him, “I had a tubal ligation because of you.” I idolized him, just like you did.
Today, I believe this is a message that our dear and loving Husband is sending me through you. I wanted a little girl because I already had three boys… but I would not be searching for her just to fulfill a desire. I have understood that, through this act, we are once again falling into what He can do when we act this way.
Just like you, I no longer seek this little girl, but I now know that I need Him… more than anything He could give me.
Thank you for your words, your wisdom, and your light.
Oh you are so right, we do need Him more than anything we can get from Him. And What a gift we have!
Dear Rasa,
I have always had the desire to have more children. For a long time this has been a fervent prayer, my FH did not want any more children and we took measures to prevent a pregnancy. It was a measure where there was still a risk of pregnancy if we were not alert enough. I always hoped that I would get pregnant and often imagined that it was so. No pregnancy came and even in my marriage crisis it was still a prayer point high on my list, I wanted twins and already knew the names and believed that He had the power to do this. I honestly thought that I needed a pregnancy to enjoy even more and feel like a happy mother, and also to let the children we already had enjoy a baby in the house. Now that I have continued on my journey I have to laugh about it quietly, yes my desire was great, I love children, but His plan is the best plan. Now that I have Him as my Heavenly Man, the wish for a pregnancy has disappeared into the background and I mainly enjoy His presence in my life. He is all I need! He makes me truly happy, with Him I can enjoy all the blessings He gives me.
Yes! How wonderful, just like you said the desire disappears into the background, no longer forefront in our minds. how precious is it to have Him bring us to that place of such contentment!!
Thank you for sharing this Raza! Your words definitely spoke to me because we can focus too heavily on our ability to bear children and being a mother. But our identity really does only come from Him. I have always wanted many children and by His blessing He has given me a fourth pregnancy with our first son due this spring. However it breaks my heart every time I go to the doctor and it’s always asked whether I’ll use contraception or have a tubal surgery to prevent having more children. After finding this ministry I have chosen not to deny this blessing and instead to simply trust my HH for my safety and health being willing to follow His plan for my life rather than the worlds.
Oh what a freedom, what peace and joy for those who put their trust in Him! I am so happy that you took have come into a precious relationship with our Love !!
Rasa, what a beautiful testimony. I also had surgery when I had my second daughter, and when I arrived at RMI and read, A Wise Woman, I regretted it so much.
Because I did it out of fear, out of ignorance.
Today we know that Our Beloved has forgiven us, and that He loves us like no one else. We are His and He is Our Prince.
Thank you Rasa your comment has touched deep places that so many women can understand 🙏🏼l was brought up on an extreme lie from the enemy that lots of children equals poverty 😟 l swore only to have 1 child because of the lie… Praise Him HE blessed me with a restoration baby 🙌🏼 l was hapoy to get rid of all contraception which caused side effects after l read the WW.
Now because l have HIM l too am content and thankful for His love and truth ♥️