Hesitating… Is it you or me?

“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Matthew 7:9-11 

I am afraid of believing in something that is not His will, of getting my hopes up and being disappointed. I am afraid of believing in the promise incorrectly… I mean believing in something I misinterpreted.

"Without becoming weak in faith he contemplated his own body, now as good as dead since he was about a hundred years old, and the deadness of Sarah’s womb" Romans 4:18-20 

After receiving his word of encouragement and wisdom for this new part of my restoration journey, I went through a time on the “emotional roller coaster,” which is what I usually call that period of time when I am so full of faith because of what He has told me that is so hopeful and beautiful that it makes me happy to think about it, only to suddenly find myself with reality outside of my mind and see things outside or hear doubts coming from fear of the future that worry me and rob me of peace and joy, then my spirit immediately drops and I run back to my knees begging my Beloved, “Please help me.” At the moment when I felt uncomfortable being in that roller coaster of emotions, I told my Beloved that I didn’t want to be that way and I asked Him to help me. He reminded me of when He got into the boat with His disciples, a storm so strong arose that the waves were covering the boat, but He had fallen asleep, so His disciples went to wake Him up crying out, “Lord, save us! We are sinking!” And He answered them, “Why are you so afraid? You have little faith!” Then He got up and gave a command to the wind and the sea, and everything became completely calm. They were amazed and asked one another, “Who then can this be, that even the winds and the sea obey Him?” (Matthew 8:23-27)

And He says to my heart, —“I have given you authority and I told you that you can do greater things than I have done, there is no reason to fear when you know that you have the power in the word and the spiritual weapons that I have given you, if you have asked Me for something according to My will, and you know that I will give you anything you ask for according to My will then there is no reason to fear. That made me think, He sleeped through the storm, that means He had complete confidence that His Father was in control, and in reality His silence to His disciples meant that He was waiting to see what they would do, that moment of silence revealed their unbelieving hearts, when He spoke to the storm He taught them [and teaches us] that we must speak to the problem with authority and not let ourselves be diminished by what we see by begging again, but trusting that He supports us. Which reminds me of David’s faith in the face of Goliath, he didn’t go cry to God, “what am I going to do with this giant!! help!!” He knew who God is and simply assumed that He would support him as he faced him by going on the offensive not the defensive, and he used the authority that was given to him. But this event took me much deeper... Why am I doubting? Everything my husband told me about my situation was confirmed several times, so I had no reason to doubt... but something began to surface in my mind that made me doubt.

I asked my Beloved Lord what happens is that I wonder if I'm really listening to Him, if it's really His voice, if what I'm reading or hearing is what it is or what I want to interpret. (Isn't that the serpent's question in Genesis, "Did God really say..."?) And that's why I doubt what I've read, because it sounds so impressive and so in tune with the desires of my heart that it seems "too good to be true." I asked Him to teach me to listen to Him again, and to let me know that I can hear Him.

The way of thinking in my country's culture, where we've been taught to doubt everyone, especially when the things they offer are so spectacular that it's much easier to fall into a trap. And well, that's a reality in my country... But that's a reality with people, but not with Him, because God doesn't lie. The next day while I was praising Him, it came to my mind that I had to go to the bank to request a replacement for my debit card for the joint account with my earthly husband since it had expired, that same impression had come to me the day before in the afternoon but I didn’t have much encouragement because I had never taken a bus in this country and I didn’t know how or where to do it but that morning I believed that He was telling me that I had to go right that morning, so that’s what I did, I got ready to go out although I didn’t know how I would do it, but I took the step. When I was going down the stairs of the third floor I saw the neighbor from the second level leaving the house, we had never seen each other, but I greeted him kindly and continued down suddenly.

I felt an impression when I reached the door of the building that told me “Turn around and ask him how you can take the bus.” and that’s what I did, he kindly told me “If you want I will take you to where you should take the bus.” Wow! There I knew that my Beloved was in on all of this because I had told him, “I would love to be taken by car so I wouldn’t have to walk,” I arrived at the place and didn’t have to wait in lines or wait, as soon as I got in the car it started, I went to the bank and did the errand also without lines, and I went out and found the bus easily without waiting and in the same way as soon as I got in we left, there I realized that He was confirming to me that this is His way of speaking to me, it sounds a lot like my voice, but it is Him guiding every step, and opening [or closing] every door.

The next day I received a message from Erin about it and she said, “It seems like it’s your voice because you are one. Sometimes when I’m unsure, I’ll ask my Husband, “Am I listening to You or is this just me?” And He always responds with another question. He said, “Is this something the enemy would say? What do you think about what I just said or what you think you said to yourself? Would you know, or is this something that has to come from Me?” It’s as simple as asking. Honestly, I often ask several times. In fact, I’ve gone through this lesson about listening to Him about 5 times a year, I guess the fear of failing drives me to this, but I’m glad that He is always willing to reach out to me with such patience! Aisn't it wonderful how He lets us know He's listening to every question, no matter how silly it seems? I love that part of the journey because it brings me closer to Him in a way that only makes me smile and feel loved.