A wonderful visit

"Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;your walls are ever before me." Isaiah 49:15-16

Hello beautiful brides,

It's been a few weeks since I've seen my son and he came by for a short visit the other day! My youngest children, ages 4 and 5 get so excited when he comes to visit as do I. I absolutely adore him and need my Loves help to stay calm when he comes by.

This part of my journey has been difficult for me, I sometimes forget why my son's have been removed from me and I feel so much pain and rejection. Loss.

But, I know that it's because I placed them and all my family in place of my First Love In my heart.

The other day I was feeling especially sad thinking about my oldest son. For those of you who have children, maybe you can understand, a first born. They steal your heart. They're with you the longest.

When I became pregnant with my son, I had just turned 18. I was in the middle of a very ugly drug addiction and in a very ugly relationship. When I had my son, my young hurting heart held onto my son. He was the only reason I got clean and stayed clean.

I remained in the relationship for a year after that and had another precious son. But by that time I was barely hanging onto sobriety. I didn't have God to hold onto. Life was too much for me to handle and I ended up turning back to drugs and to men for comfort. Which never brought comfort only pain.

I regret so much from those years but one of my biggest regrets is not allowing my heart to love them better. I only wanted the comfort of being loved. My youngest son barely knew me and how can one love someone he doesn't know? So, our hearts stayed apart for years.

My oldest son became my favorite, I am ashamed to say. He was obedient, funny, responsible and he loved me. That's all that mattered at the time. Is how ppl made me feel. I'm sure some of you can relate. We are happy in a relationship as long as they make us feel a certain way.

So when the Lord turned my oldest sons heart away from me, causing him to move out at 14ish years old, he's now 16, I can remember how rejected and abandoned I felt.

I honestly felt like a little girl being rejected all over again, one hit after another it felt like. I did not at all feel like an adult.

I haven't spoke to my son since April. I have no idea what's happening in his life except what my other son tells me. My Love is so faithful and shows me when I begin to feel sorry for myself. Sometimes it comes out when I tell ppl about my situation. So it's best not to.
While I lay the story out let me get to the most beautiful part.

My youngest son.

He's never told me his feelings. I'm ashamed to say my mother and I thought he was autistic at one point because he never shared his feelings. How sad. The poor boy never felt safe sharing that part of himself, and I condemned him for it. Being the contentious woman I was that was very self centered and prideful.

He moved out as well, due to all the marriage problems. He left at age 13 and went and stayed with friends. Local yes but still seemed so far away. He moved back for about 6 months. And during those six months my Love blessed me so much.

My son began to share his heart with me. For the first time in 15 years he sat on the couch and told me how he used to be jealous of kids who had a father. But now he sees that those with a father aren't always better off. They don't turn out better. He told me how he harbors no resentment towards his step dad.

In those precious six months he consistently came to me for advice. Showing me honor and love.

He began working a full-time construction job at 15 and I had the honor of watching Him become a man before my eyes! My Love kept showing me how He had my son in his hands over and over and that I could release him. And that it would be okay.

When I moved back into the home I shared with my spouse (he's not here...) my son decided not to move in with me. He decided to get a home with some roommates, but my Love has given me peace despite him being so young!)

My son and I have gotten so close and I am so grateful that my Love orchestrated all of this. The son I once rejected, the chances I gave away, the Lord has blessed me despite my many mistakes and my sins.

So what once felt like rejection had turned into a beautiful blessing.

I am grateful for this ministry, in helping me to let go and go with the wave of adversity and not fight. It's helped me in this relationship with my son tremendously. When everyone was telling me to fight and to demand, the Lord was telling me to let go and trust Him. And it has turned out better than I could have imagined.