From the street life to the abundant life

"For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved." Romans 10:10

I just finished reading some of the beautiful Salvation Stories and it stirred something in me to share mine.
My Love has done such an incredible thing that I wanted to share, since our testimonies are how we overcome the enemy and through the blood of the Lamb.

I was born into a typical Western home. My parents married young, and due to the lifestyle they lived, didn't transition into the married life well. My father continued to party while my mom grew in her relationship with her Savior.

My father was a hard worker, and soon moved us onto a beautiful piece of property, bought us horses and farm animals and it was a childhood that I know I was very blessed to have. We didn't attend church, and I can't remember ever being taught about the Lord until middle school. By the time I was in middle school, my young heart desires to be accepted by the popular kids. I wanted to be accepted and part of the ones who were liked, so badly. By middle school, I was behaving very naughty, because being naughty, disrespectful towards teachers, brought me the attention and feelings of some power. I found my friend group by being naughty, and soon had a group of very close friends. Boys and the regular worldly teen stuff caught my attention.

By this time we were going to church, and my mom was the leader in this. I knew my father didn't want to get out of the car when we went and never sang the songs during worship. He would always mention how church people shouldn't have nice cars and always commented on the pastors cars. That stuck with me for years. I was going to the youth group on Friday nights, but only because there were cute boys there.
Well, the youth group took us all to a huge conference and it was there that I experienced my Savior for the very first time. I utterly fell apart and went at His love for me, amidst thousands of teenagers. The girl that came home was not the same girl that left. When I went back to school, I even apologized to all the teachers I had been very disrespectful to.

But because of the friend group I had, I struggled with doing the right thing. I quenched His Spirit telling Him I am didn't want to listen because all the other voices were too loud and too tempting.

By the time I was in highschool, that love that I had felt, had been squashed down and I no longer remembered it. By that time, my parents had moved me and my older brother countless times, changing schools many times. I began to grow bitter in my heart and sought after cigarettes and drugs. Moving so many times and facing so much rejection from my parents and my peers, turned my heart very cold.

By 16 I had tried meth for the first time. I was regularly smoking weed, skipping school, and taking pills (which is a type of doctor prescribed meth). My brother sold the pills at school, and I always used my collected lunch money to buy some.

I began turning to boys for attention, but because of my neediness I was only used and abused. I had no limits to how far I would go and with whom. It's heartbreaking to think of all the horrible situations I willingly went into. The whole time in my heart, I only wanted to be loved, cared for, protected not realizing the One who would do that, already lived inside of me.

I began using meth regularly by the age of 18. I completely left everyone I used to know behind, stopped speaking to my parents, they were trying to recover from adultery in their marriage. I had bitterness in my heart towards my brother, for not protecting me or loving me, he joined the military to escape our family problems. My dad had stopped showing me love at a very young age and my mother was very controlling and strict. The love of the Lord was not alive in our home at all. I moved out at 16 so by 18 I was already well on my way to being a full out prodigal. I met my children's father, straight out of prison buying meth from me and a friend. We lived in hotels, broken down shacks, cars etc and stole from stores so we could sell the items for food and drug money.

I found out I was pregnant just a few months after my 18th birthday. I was still using then, plagued by a darkness that only grew darker. I began seeing demons around me and in people by that time.

I managed to get clean for the last 6 months of my pregnancy, and my boyfriend, was pure chaos. He didn't know God, only the street life. I had my other son a year later and only God knows how I managed to stay clean throughout those years. I still had not turned to Him, I didn't even consider Him for all those years. I moved back in with my parents once they moved out of state. My boyfriend got sent to prison, and I jumped into another relationship with a drug addict. My parents were again recovering from another case of adultery and I was in and out of the home. They basically raised my two boys while I would get angry about some trivial things, and leave the home, off to get high.

I eventually hit the streets, living in cars, drug houses, I was set up, robbed, raped and used by men and women. I learned to steal and have a heart of ice or else I would die. In the streets, there can be no softness or weakness shown, or else they eat you alive.

This went on for several years. We moved several times, to different cities, and my mom left my father and continued to care for my children alone. She never preached to me or ridiculed me for my choices. That's when she really dug deep into her faith. She didn't preach the gospel to me, she loved me unconditionally, which I know was because of her growing relationship with the Lord. No one could endure what I did without Him. She always welcomed me back, never speaking of where I had been or what had happened. Only focusing on the children and loving me.

Child protection services took my children three times in those years. I had been to 3 or 4 rehabilitation facilities by the age of 23. I was required to do regular drug testing so I could have supervised visits with my children, which I cheated on, so I could continue getting high. I was filled with so much guilt, shame, anger towards all those who had left me, used me especially my father for what he had done to our family.

I had an abortion while I was using, and my best friend at the time begged me not to. He cared for me, fed me and gave me my meds after the event, and it killed him inside.

He knew I didn't want him, because I had learned at that point that those who fall in love first, lose the game. And this world was a game. A dog eat dog world and to survive I had to stay on top. I had given up ever finding a good man, who protects and provides and loves. That dream had died along with all my childhood dreams. When that boyfriend died a few months later, suicide and internal bleeding from an accident, I went back out to the streets after being clean for a short time.

After one particular long period of time being on the streets, I knew my grip on reality was fading quickly. I could sense something was being stolen from me and that was my memories. I barely remembered I had children and a family. I knew I had to get home, and quickly. I started seeing demons even more and could sense the evil in people that came into my life. I can see now it was the Lord who directed my paths home that time especially. By the time I had made it home, I was utterly broken. I was 24 years old and had nothing. Only a heart full of pain, regrets and bitterness.

One night, I started a small fire outside and was alone for the first time in years. I heard the Lord clearly when He told me He wanted me to forgive all those people who had just raped me, robbed me and used me. And to ask forgiveness for all that I had been doing. He told me I had to do it to experience freedom.

I sobbed by the fire that night as I released every person and every deed done. That was only the beginning of my real walk with the Lord.

I didn't go to a church, and I didn't read my Bible, I don't think I even had one. I soon jumped into a relationship, seeking after a man to love me, not realizing the Man who already did, my True Love was with me. This boyfriend proposed but he soon cheated on me again. I was living with my mother again, and she knew it was time for us to move again, somewhere stable and job opportunities. So we move to another city, she chose a place I had never used before, and I began going to college and church. I fell in love with the Word. I began a single mother's ministry and made some precious friends who loved Christ. But inside of me there was a yearning for man to be in my life. I still dressed and desired the attention of men so badly. Still willing to go into situations I never should have. A year was how long I made it clean and sober, the longest I had ever gone aside from being pregnant and having a newborn. I began drinking again and Soon was using drugs again. It seemed as if all the pain that I had let go of, came back as if it had never left. The burden of my past was placed back on my shoulders and became heavier than it ever had before. I left my children with my mother one more time. But this time, unbeknownst to me, the Lord would break the stronghold off in a mighty way.

Soon, I hated men and all that they wanted. I went back to a dog-eat-dog world, was selling drugs again, and using people. A friend of mine told me she was an "escort" which is simply a fancy way of saying an expensive prostitute " I thought why not? I can't keep a real job; it could provide me with the money to continue this lifestyle, so I went for it. I began living in nicer hotels, at the club every weekend, was given beautiful and expensive gifts and made a lot of money. I convinced myself it was okay because I was going to do it anyways. But the heaviness and the weight of it all pulled my soul down deeper into the pit. I began to feel lifeless, cruel and empty. More than I ever had. I lost all hope and forgot that there had ever been any hope.

After a year of being back out on the streets the Holy Spirit began stirring in my heart. After being awake for days, when the sun came up, the world was still sleeping, He beg to speak to me. I was journaling alone in my car, which I was living in again, I began to write the words" I want to be free and I know that if I only call upon...." I slammed the journal shut. I don't know why I couldn't write His name, but the enemy had me in His claws, tightly and he wasn't going to give up so easily.

A few days later, again, when I was coming down, when the drugs had worn off, Holy Spirit stirred in me again. I had such a strong desire to sing, so I turned on some southern gospel and I began listening with a softer heart. My ears could hear. They were singing praises to that name I had forgotten! I didn't sing that I can remember. I couldn't bring myself to.

His name still hasn't left my mouth.

Things started falling apart in my life. I couldn't bring myself to continue in that way, I still got high, but it wasn't the same. I began seeing evil more and more sensitive to the darkness in people around me. I could also sense those around me who hoped for a better life. I was much more sensitive to the light and darkness.

My mother had arranged for me to go to a treatment center in another state. It's a miracle how I agreed, I know it was because Holy Spirit was softening my heart. I had no fight left in me. My own way led me to the pit. The Lord brought me a friend who was willing to take a chance, to drive me 8 hrs away, on money we had meant for drugs. No one in many years had gone that far to do something good for me. The fact that this man took me was an act of God. I couldn't walk, I was all skin bones and sores from the drugs. I couldn't think coherently. I was so clouded in my thoughts because the enemy knew his time was short and put in me a desire to use a different drug this time, one that could put me to sleep and possibly kill me. So the whole eight hours drive, I slept in a stupor. And when I woke up I saw I was in a treatment facility. A faith based facility no less!!

It was there I finally had the strength to cry out the name of the Lord! I was utterly humbled and broken and He bound up my wounds. He had allured me back from the pit. He pulled me out of the darkness, and He came and rescued me when I called for Him. He was there the whole time, waiting for me to call out! He showed me how the enemy of my soul, had kept my mind filled, like a sponge that had been soaked in substances, that I couldn't think to call upon His name. He showed me how the enemy had lied to me, had such a stronghold on me and how HE broke the chains that I had been bound with. The soil of my heart hasn't been good soil, it was rocky and the seeds that had been down were not able to grow. But He cleared them away, and he gave me a heart that could love him. He spoke lovingly to me there was no more condemnation and no more shame. I got my children back, they were five and six years old. He showed me how to teach them about Him. To fall so in love with Him that they too would want to crawl up into His lap. He gave me a dream that I would have two more children and he showed me marvelous things if I would follow Him in the truth and in the light. His way.

If I had a thousand lifetimes to sing His praises it would never be enough. He is everything he is the ineffable Savior and My True Love.