Annulment Case Against Me

I am reading my lesson for today, Course 2 on Securing Success, insights to restoration. And my tears just poured out in the middle of it because of how blessed I feel to have God in my life, leading me to this Ministry who, at first, helped me to hope for my marriage, then just keeps drawing me closer and closer to the Lord. It is such a beautiful feeling when you see/hear of hopelessness then get to see God in action. I began to see where I would've been in the last 5 years if I were not led to this Ministry.

Thank you, Erin, for taking courage and sharing who God is. Where would we be if God didn't lead you to minister to us? All praise and glory to God for loving us so much and calling us in our sorrows so we can live a life in Him.

I am with my EH who is fast asleep. He says he can only sleep well when I am with him. He says this may be the last time we see each other as he is pursuing the annulment case against me and asked me not to stop it. He asked if we were still going to be intimate after the annulment, and I said, we're going to be intimate as long as we are "married." [Read the Bonus lesson Intimacy] 

Doesn't sound like something to praise about? Yeah? But see, the love I feel for him even when he says so many hurtful things about our annulment, and the calmness I feel when he says it, can only come from the Lord!! I feel so blessed that He is with me. He controls my mind and my mouth, and He just comforts me, my HH gives me this smile I give my EH.

I have been begging God to change me so that when EH sees me, he sees Him. It may not happen now but it will happen. For the first time in more than 10 years of our relationship, my EH said I am beautiful. That it's my smile he looks for.

Last night, I sought God if he will restore this marriage. And He says yes, that the thoughts I have in my mind is good and thus must come from Him. Whatever it takes, I said. Even when I have cut off all friends who know the situation.

So here I am, amidst the pain, just very grateful of all the lessons I have learned about who God is through this Ministry. Where would I be if God didn't bring me to you? It's a scary thought. EH always declares his love for me, so I know God has turned the heart, but not yet the will. And God just whispered, I need to be radical. This separation is my fault, you see, there's no OW I know of. There are female friends though. God will deal with them. He says He will deal with me, my EH, my marriage and the other female friends too. Isn't He so good?

I was just a contentious, selfish, angry, stubborn, argumentative, bitter, full of strife woman. How is it possible for me to love EH when I am this way? Thank You for the future. I don't know how it looks like. But Your will be done.

My sleeping EH took my arms which stopped me from typing on my phone (this PR couldn't wait), but I say to the devil, no not today. I am concerned that when EH wakes up, no longer drunk, his hate for me will resurface. He just got a tattoo of a sunflower on his shin, he says it's me on the most painful part of his leg. Ouch. But I leave it to Him who loves me. Kinikilig ako. There's no direct translation from Tagalog, but it's shuddering because of inexplicable joy. Only from God. Only from Him!

James 1:5 New American Standard Bible (NASB) But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.

With the kind of situation we are in, there's plenty that needs to be learned. It's a relief to finally admit, NO I DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING!! I have a simple mind which Wisdom despises. But I can always ask God, and He just waits for me to ask so He can bless me with His wisdom. I can't stop smiling. Thank You, my Love! For being so generous, for wanting me to be transformed into your likeness!! Thank You!

~ Maria in the Philippines