♕Today's Promise: “‘For the LORD has called you, like a wife forsaken and grieved in spirit, even like a wife of one’s youth when she is rejected,’ says your God.” Isaiah 54:6
Tegan, how did your Restoration Journey actually begin?
Actually my husband, Victor had already returned home by the time I found RMI. I had suspected that there was another woman for almost 3 years ever since I saw a message on his phone by chance.. Of course he denied it since I didn’t have proof. By then we had been married almost 20 years and had 4 kids. We had both met the Lord and had already experienced many miracles in our lives and our marriage. He was a godly man; so I never imagined in my wildest dreams that he would be unfaithful. But things slowly started to change and Victor started spending more and more time away from home, even on weekends. I thought it was just the stress of his work. He started distancing himself and was addicted to the phone. He would get very angry and would shout and say mean things. He became very cold and would avoid and ignore me as if I didn’t exist. He hardly spoke to me and didn’t seem to want to be around me and didn’t want me to even touch him. The atmosphere in our home was tense and there were constant arguments and fights. Sometimes he would go on for days without touching me even by mistake or saying a word to me. The pain was unbearable, and I would cry myself to sleep most nights. I became depressed and didn’t want to live anymore because I had tried every solution I knew from reading marriage books, to counselling etc., as well as trying to talk to him, arguing, pleading, begging, crying, giving him the cold treatment, trying to get him to come for prayer services etc. But nothing had worked, and I felt as if our marriage was dead.
He had been threatening to leave many times and had been telling me that he was sick of everything. When I finally had proof of his infidelity and confronted him in mid-April this year, he left home angrily saying that he will never come back. I was already shattered when I found out about the OW but when he left, I was completely crushed.
He was away only for 5 nights but it seemed like an eternity. Then on my initiative, through the help of a pastor, he came back home. I sincerely believed that he would change because he cried, apologised, and confessed. But soon after his return, I could sense that something was not right. Within one week of his return I found out that he was still involved with the OW and was still lying and pretending. This broke my heart even more than the first time I found out about his infidelity because I trusted him, and he had let me down again. I felt like my whole life was a lie and I didn’t know what to believe anymore. Then when I insisted that he choose between the OW and me, he finally broke off with her 2 weeks after he came back home.
This time it was genuine but there were a lot of issues to deal with. Since Victor insisted that he doesn't want to talk to anyone (meaning counselling), I really didn't know how to go about restoring our marriage and our family. By this time I had already tried counselling many times, individually and as a couple. As Erin says nothing really changed - only temporary changes - and actually it made things worse as the counsellors were never able to uncover his infidelity. One counsellor led me to believe that there was something wrong with him (Asperger’s syndrome) that was causing him to be so distant, not talking to me or wanting to be with me etc. One said I was just being emotional as I was in pre-menopause. Now when I think about the “advice” I received from people who were supposed to help me, I want to laugh because most of it seems so ridiculous and I feel angry as they were not based on the Word of God. Each time I went for counselling they kept telling me to trust God and let go and surrender but no one really taught me how to do that. So by that time I finally realized that counselling was of no use. But I didn’t know of any other solution to save my marriage. So when Victor said that he doesn't want to “talk to anyone,” I was really lost because I didn't know what else to do anymore to fix our marriage.
The first few days after his return were like the days of our courtship and everything seemed so nice. But although my husband was now back home, neither he nor I had really changed. So soon afterwards, we started having the same kind of arguments again and he started becoming distant again. I tried talking to him (with no avail) as usual in my effort to resolve things and made a lot of the same mistakes again. I had read many books on marriage, Christian and others, and couldn't find any real answers. More than anything, I still hurt deeply because Victor never really apologized properly as I thought he should have and it seemed as if the memories of the things that were said and done kept coming back to haunt and traumatize me, “flashbacks” as Erin calls it. Even hearing the tone of incoming messages on his phone would unnerve me. I was still very suspicious, needy, desperate for love and affection, unable to let go of him, insecure, and expected Victor to do and say certain things to make me feel loved and would get upset and disappointed when he didn’t. I knew I needed help but didn't know where to turn or what to do or whom to ask. The pastor who helped us get back together encouraged me to go for therapy and counselling. But by this time I had lost hope in counselling because no one had been able to help me or guide me properly in 3 years. But I knew deep inside that if I continued in the same way, my marriage and family would soon be completely destroyed. This is when I finally turned to God with my whole heart and asked Him to guide me to the right person who can help me as I was really desperate. It is then that I found the RMI website.
How did God change your situation, Tegan, as you sought Him wholeheartedly?
When I finally cried out to God and asked Him to help me and heal the pain, by chance I found RMI in mid-June, about 6 weeks after Victor had returned. But now I know it is not by chance but by divine appointment that I was led to RMI as it was the answer to my prayer. And my motto and the scripture I hold dearest to my heart is the same as what this ministry teaches, "With God, all things are possible." (Matthew 19:26). This finally gave me HOPE AT LAST!
Then as I started reading the lessons, the first thing that struck me was that Erin knew what she was talking about because she had been in the same situation. I could trust her because she was not just giving advice from theories and psychology, but from real life experience and from the Word of God. None of the others from whom I had sought help such as counsellors, pastors, and a friend, had faced a similar situation and so were unable to offer any real help. So I immediately started devouring all the material that was available online, initially even without journaling because I couldn’t seem to get enough, since each time I read something, it was as if my eyes were opened. Then I realized the need to journal and started to follow the lessons one by one.
I was trying to make things happen and change my husband and my kids etc. rather than focusing on changing myself. This course helped me to focus on changing myself with the help of the Word and God’s grace. As I let go of Victor and sought to get closer to the Lord, reading and meditating on His Word, I started changing slowly, even without realizing it. I just kept on asking the Lord to make Himself real to me and let me experience His love so that He is enough for me. As I focused on the Lord and slowly stopped criticizing, advising, and trying to be the Holy Spirit in my husband’s life and instead started acting and reacting with meekness and gentleness, my situation started to change. As I waited and made room for God to work, He turned and softened Victor’s heart.
I was very needy for the love of my husband and wanted to be hugged, to get messages or calls, and for him to want to spend time with me. I used to tell him and ask and beg and cry, trying to get him to love me. But each time I did that it actually made things worse because we ended up arguing and he would distance himself even more. Then I stopped asking for anything from him and instead started to practice going to my Heavenly Husband with my every need. Since I started applying what I was learning, my EH has completely changed. It’s the Lord who changed the heart of my earthly husband and he has now become kind, loving and affectionate, the way he used to be when I first met him.
Now Victor is happy when he is around me. He tells me I look nice, seeks my company instead of avoiding me and initiates being intimate whereas earlier he would avoid and reject me most of the time. Now our home is filled with laughter and happy chatter again. I had been praying that Victor would not have to work so hard because earlier he was hardly at home. Now God has answered my prayers in wonderful ways and he comes home early and spends almost all his time apart from work at home. He hardly ever goes out even with his friends, but rather prefers to stay with us now, whereas earlier we wouldn’t see him for days and would not even be able to have a meal together as a family most days. Praise God!
What principles, from God's Word (or through our resources), did the Lord teach you during this trial, Tegan?
One of the biggest questions I had was why God had allowed this to happen to me and I just couldn’t understand as I had been sincerely praying for almost 3 years about all this. The most important principle I learnt is that God had allowed this to happen to draw me back to Himself. I was desperate for the love of an earthly husband; my happiness was in him; my identity was in him. That's when I finally realized that I had fallen away from my first love, my Lord.
I realized my mistake of pursuing Victor, trying so hard to make him love me but all in the wrong ways, by telling him what he was doing wrong and what he should be doing etc. I kept getting disappointed over and over again when he didn’t return my love. Each time he rejected me, the devil kept lying to me “You are unwanted, unloved.” At times I was so depressed I wanted to die. I just wanted to be happy. I thought that if I had the love of Victor, I would be happy. It is only when he actually left us, that I realized that the Lord is the only One who truly loves me, cares for me, wants me and accepts me just the way I am; He’s the Only One who has always been there for me, who has never abandoned me, the One who always listens, always cares, always answers, the Only One I can truly trust and depend on, the Only One I have. After reading the materials, I finally began to understand that although I was still pursuing Victor, he could never love me perfectly as I wanted to be loved.
The other thing I realized is to stop focusing on the faults of my husband and what he needs to change and focus on changing myself with God’s help. During the past 3 years I had been trying to change, trying to let go, trying to be a submissive wife, trying to be quiet and gentle, trying not to nag, but I had been trying all this time in my own strength and had not allowed the Word to change me from the inside.
The next most important principle I learnt is about letting go. I had struggled with this for such a long time. It seemed as if I just couldn't do it no matter how hard I tried. I was angry with myself for not being able to do it, for being so needy for the love of my husband, for being so foolish as to go behind him begging for love when clearly his heart was turned away from me. I finally asked the Lord to please help me to let go because I just can’t do it on my own. I just didn’t know how, and no one had taught me. As I drew closer to the Lord, He finally helped me to let go through a difficult time of sickness.
When I first read about my Heavenly Husband it seemed a bit strange to me. But actually I remembered that almost 20 years before when I first met the Lord, I had fallen in love with Him, and His love was enough. But now although I knew that God loved me, I couldn’t feel His love and was still desperate for the love of my husband. So I just kept on asking the Lord to make Himself real to me and let me experience His love so that He is enough for me. I started repeating "Lord, You are all I want, You are all I need, You are all I live for," as Erin teaches. At first I didn't feel any closer to the Lord and couldn't understand what the other women were testifying about their Heavenly Husband and how His love is enough. Nothing happened at first but slowly, especially during the time I was sick with Covid, I started to experience God’s love in a deeper way, that He is the Only One who is always there for me; the Only One who really loves me and can help me. It’s getting to know the Lord as my Heavenly Husband that finally helped me to let go of my eathly husband.
I knew the scripture from Isaiah 54:6 about the Lord calling me as "a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when you were refused." I had heard and knew about the scriptures that say that the Lord is my Husband, but it was still not real to me. I didn't know what it really meant or how to apply it in my life. I was a bit skeptical at first about the love songs. I always listened to praise music but now I downloaded some of my favourite love songs and started listening to them regularly as Erin recommended. Earlier I used to feel unwanted and unloved, useless, broken, ugly, rejected but now I finally know and have experienced the amazing love of God - how He wants me and chose me to be His own even before the world was made. (Ephesians 1:4 Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ), how He sent His only Son to save me even while I was yet a sinner (Romans 5:8... while we were still sinners, Christ died for us) The love songs have helped me to fall in love with my Heavenly Husband. Now I talk to Him about everything, even what to make for dinner or how to clean the house. Now I am not needy and desperate for my earthly husband anymore and have finally been able to let go. This has actually brought him back to me because now we are closer than we have been in a very long time.
What were the most difficult times that God helped you through, Tegan?
The most difficult time that God helped me through was when Victor left home saying, “I am never coming back to this house” and wouldn’t answer my calls or reply to my messages. I never ever thought that he would actually leave because we have 4 kids and had been married for almost 23 years. It was only by God’s grace that I was able to carry on and take care of the kids and do whatever I had to do, as I couldn’t eat or sleep and was completely crushed and devastated.
What was most devastating was finding out who the other woman was. She was actually a part of our own family and was someone I had helped so many times with her own marriage and her life. I had supported her and stood by her, even when other members of my family had given up on her. To have her do this to me and my family, after all I had done for her was unimaginable and hurt deeply. But God gave me grace to forgive and now each time I remember her, I prayed for her.
When Victor called the kids and told them that he’s leaving in his anger before he left, they were devastated. I had tried my best to keep my kids shielded from everything, but this was such a blow to them. Unfortunately the trauma of it was too much for one of my sons and a week after my Victor left, he tried to take his own life. It was only by God’s grace that we were able to find out about what he was about to do and prevent a great tragedy. This was another terrible blow for me so soon after my Victor abandoning us. I felt that I was a complete failure as a wife as well as a mother. But I knew I had to be strong and only God’s grace helped me through and showed me what to say and what to do, and to be strong for my whole family during those difficult times. Although my son is still under psychiatric treatment, I am believing that all things work together for good to them who love God. (Romans 8:28)
Another difficult time was when I would remember the things that had happened and what was said and done. It was really hard, and the pain was almost unbearable. I didn’t know how to heal my heart. But I kept asking the Lord to erase all the bad memories (Psalm 9:6 …even the memory of them has perished) and to replace them with memories of love and laughter, joy, and peace and to blot out the memory of the other woman from my heart and mind, Victor’s heart and mind and my kids’ hearts and minds. I believe He is doing that because now even if I remember something painful, I quickly take it to the Lord and ask Him to erase it and replace it and don’t dwell on it and it doesn’t hurt anymore.
Tegan, what was the "turning point” of your restoration?
The turning point was actually gradual for me. But I believe it started when I let go of everyone and everything and took the Lord’s hand allowing Him to guide me, allowing Him to speak to me and learning to speak only to Him. It still amazes me how the Lord works together in all things for our good (Romans 8:28)! Since mid-June to the beginning of August, I was learning a lot from the courses but still didn't see any real change. It was during the time that my whole family was sick with Covid that I experienced the love of God in an amazing way.
First of all at the beginning of August, Victor tested positive for Covid and had to be quarantined at home, separated from everyone. Then a few days later, he was transferred to a hospital as his condition was not good. While he was away, I too fell sick as well as my 2 younger kids. But I didn’t tell Victor as I didn’t want him to worry since he too was sick, and there was nothing that he could do anyway as he was in quarantine.
This was a very difficult time for me since I hardly ever fall sick. I could hardly get up or walk, even to go to the washroom. Even getting up to eat or take medicine was tiresome. I lost all taste and smell. Since my 2 younger kids were sick too, I had no choice but to continue to take care of them even when I was not well. Since my EH too was sick at the hospital, and my 2 older kids had to be kept separate as they had tested negative, and since our house was quarantined, I was basically cut off from everyone. There was no one to help or even talk except the Lord. Even our country was placed under lockdown soon after that.
So I started to look to the Lord for help for every little thing. Especially at night, I would ask Him to help me as I couldn't even to get up to give my kids their medicine etc. That is when I truly experienced that the Lord is enough. He is with me always. He's the only One who never leaves me and never forsakes me. He's the only One who can really help me. Although I couldn't even take care of my kids or cook or clean or do anything, He took care of me and my family and provided everything we needed from food to medicine through my mom and my family and even from others. Even my eldest child rose up to the occasion and started taking care of me and the younger ones. So I truly experienced the love of my Heavenly Husband taking care of me, being there for me, helping me.
During the 2 weeks or so that Victor had to be away all by himself completely separated from his family as well as all other people, God started working in him too. He started to miss me and the kids, as no one was allowed to visit. He felt very lonely as no one called him; my younger kids were sick, and the older ones were still upset with him. This was all part of God’s plan and Victor started sending me messages that he loves me and misses me etc. and since I too didn’t call him much (because I was just too sick, but he didn’t know about it), it started to bother him.
Even after Victor came back from the hospital after 10 days, I was still not feeling well. I was not able to do any of the housework, or even make a cup of tea. Then Victor started taking care of the house, cleaning etc. and would let me rest, even though he also had not recovered 100% and needed to rest.
During the time I was sick, I guess I got quieter as I was physically unable to speak for long or do much. I was sick for almost 2 weeks and felt very tired and didn’t have any strength. I even stopped answering my phone and only spoke briefly and only when absolutely necessary. Slowly I realized that I had changed and had become quieter and gentler, even with the kids, whereas earlier I would shout at them when they didn’t do something they were supposed to do. Moreover Victor was home for almost one month as his whole office was closed (they all got Covid). This gave us time to be together as a family, taking care of one another. I believe that God used this difficult time of sickness as the turning point to change both of us.
Tell us HOW it happened, Tegan? Did your husband just walk in the front door?
Like I said before, Victor had already come back come by the time I found RMI. But after I fell sick with Covid, I learnt to finally let go because I realised that God alone is there for me, and I had no choice but to trust in Him and depend on Him alone. During this time I began to experience the love of God in a real way and have Him as my Heavenly Husband. During this time of sickness, I guess I became quieter and gentler even without realizing it because I was physically unable to do anything due to fatigue.
I started to accept what he was doing for the family and appreciating him and being thankful more. I also accepted the decisions he was taking, instead of trying to have my say in everything. I was careful to be kind and sweet and especially careful of my tone of voice as Victor used to always scold me saying that I was shouting, when I thought I was just being firm. I started letting him be the head of the house and stopped trying to control everything. Even when the boys were unruly, I would let him handle it and would not get involved.
At the beginning of September, Victor suddenly closed down and wouldn’t eat and became distant again. Usually I would have kept on asking him questions and nagging him about it but this time I didn’t because of all I had learnt from the lessons. So I was kind to him but just let him be although I knew he was upset with me. When I finally find out what was wrong I was upset at first but waited until all the emotions attached had passed. Usually I would have texted or called back immediately with a long explanation of what I thought and felt but this time I waited and listened to what the Lord wanted me to do and say. When I apologised for my mistake and replied sweetly, immediately I could see a change and Victor was back to normal.
Now I have become more submissive and respectful of my husband and have been building him up in the eyes of my kids. He has been doing many things to try and win back their love and spends more time with them and provides all their needs. As the Word says, “The hearts of the children shall be restored to their fathers and the hearts of the fathers to the children.” There is laughter again in our house and we eat together as a family and pray together again. I believe that my marriage and my family will be stronger than ever before because I am learning to build on The ROCK.
When Victor finally broke off with the other woman, he came back to sleeping in our bed and started wearing his wedding ring again. He started getting up early and reading the Bible every morning before going to work and started thanking God “for keeping our family together” during family prayers every evening.
Earlier when Victor had returned and things seemed OK and he was telling me he loves me and even kissing me, it always felt artificial. It was as if he was doing it because he felt he had to in order to please me but not because he wanted to. But now after what God has done in both our hearts, I see his face light up when he sees me. When he hugs me, he holds me for a long time. Now I can see that God has changed his heart; he’s not pretending anymore but the change is real.
Would you recommend any of our resources in particular that helped you, Tegan?
The free courses have been a tremendous blessing. They have given me answers to so many questions I had, especially why God had allowed this to happen to me. Although I realised it only later, the lessons are built on the books How God can and will restore your marriage, Wise Woman and By the Word of their testimony. So yes, I would highly recommend all the material. I am currently doing Course 2 and just got the Wise Woman book. All the books are amazing! There's so much wisdom in them. I am reading the Psalms and Proverbs and the way Erin teaches how to read the Psalms and Proverbs has made it so easy to read. I have also started reading the rest of the Bible, especially the books I had neglected, and I love it now and am hungry for more of the Word. The Be encouraged videos are also truly encouraging and a great source of wisdom. There are so many experiences that Erin shares that we can relate to and apply in our own lives.
The encourager praise reports also help because I can see so many other women experiencing similar things and learning about the things that have helped them, helps me to practice them too.
Would you be interested in helping encourage other women, Tegan?
Yes
Either way, Tegan, what kind of encouragement would you like to leave women with, in conclusion?
Dear Bride, you are wanted! You are loved! You are precious! You are beautiful! You are not forgotten! You are not alone. God thinks of you! He is with you! He is for you! Never give up! All things are truly possible with God. Nothing is too difficult for Him.
He will never fail you nor forsake you.
God wants you for Himself. Let go of everything and everyone and draw close to Him and you will find the love you always wanted; Someone who is always there for you, who always cares, who always listens, who is never too busy to talk to you or to listen to you, who loves you and accepts you as you are, who thinks you are beautiful and precious, who thinks you are worth dying for.
You will find in God not only your Saviour and Lord, but also your Father, your Heavenly Husband, The Lover of your soul, your Comforter, your Strengthener, your Healer, your Helper, your Defender and Protector, your Provider, your Refuge, your Fortress, your Everything!
