RESTORED Marriage Testimony: “I had no control over myself”

♕Today's Promise: “I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD” P271314

☊ RMT PRAISE

Helen, how did your Restoration Journey actually begin?

Praise God for starting me on this journey, there is no better place to be than back on a path to Him! I was born and raised in a faith filled family and watched so many families fall apart around me during my childhood. Without even realizing, I became a strong, independent, all knowing feminist. I expected everything of those around me and when I began to date my earthly husband at the age of 17, I had this sense of power and manipulation over him that I mistaken for love! I thought that was how I knew he loved me, by surrendering to me in everything I asked. Well after several years of ups and downs dating, we settled in together, another big mistake. But I was so cold and hardended by then that my motto was "Never getting married, never having kids". And somehow I still truly believed I loved God and was doing His will. One day, out of His own desire to be married, my earthly husband  converted as a sign that he was all in, that he really believed in marriage and really wanted to marry me! My family was broken but his parents were still married. And so he convinced me and I started going to marriage prep. Ladies, although I never doubted Gods exsistence and had a God given faith, I had never felt God's love before. Well there during those marriage prep classes, somehow God got a hold of my heart. I knew then, before getting married, that I was doing everything wrong. But with this fire inside of me, I began to try to change my earthly husband, not me. I remember even telling him a few months before the wedding, sincerely, that I changed and he wasnt the person I would chose to spend my life with anymore. I wanted a family life now, I wanted to go to church, to be active in church. But he convinced me that he loved me no matter what and we married. Our wedding night was a disaster.. our honeymoon, a disaster. All I could think about was how now my requests were God centered and Gary was no longer doing everything I asked! I became even more a pharisee, opinionated, loud, angry and worst of all, rebellious and disrespectful to both my earthly husband and my Heavenly Husband. I felt unloved and could not see clearly how to live both lives. 6 months in, we were distant and he was already searching for love else where, and I wanted a divorce. But we went to counseling and although we both wanted it to work, I didn't know how to change. 3 kids and 7 years later, we hated each other so much. We had a lot of fights, silent treatment, nothing he did was ever enough. I went around sharing our problems to others and looked through his phone and then tricked him into a confrontational sit down about what I found. I even kept a list of all that my earthly husband needed to change, how terrible! One day, we tried to celebrate my earthly husband's birthday and went to dinner. We had nothing to say, and after he wanted to go home early, and I finally snapped. Then he snapped and he told me he was not happy and wanted out. That day my world collapsed.

How did God change your situation, Helen, as you sought Him wholeheartedly? 

After that dinner, I couldn't breathe, I didn't know what to do. And the beautiful thing is that God had been preparing me. I had already learned, again, that I was not being the wife I am called to be. And I knew the actions I should take, but my emotions would take over and I had no control over myself. I had been trying for a few months, begging God to show me how to love, what is love, how should I find it, and how do I give it. People kept trying to tell me, but I was blind. The rest of that week we kept trying to talk through what my earthly husband was trying to say. In 15 years, he never once spoke poorly of me. And now I was hearing I was too controlling, manipulating, opinionated.. and I didn't understand. Over the next month, I began looking for help, calling into radio stations, looking for a couple in the Church to guide me and I tried SO hard to be still and calm. To try to understand what Gary was saying. I began to journal and try to figure out on paper what went wrong. Little by little, God started to show me how to let go, even though that's not what I would have called it. I was trying to accept His will knowing and trusting that he had a plan. The couple helped me and lead me to a Christian/Catholic counselor. I went to learn myself. I wanted to understand why I did what I did. And what else was my earthly husband not telling me. I wanted to see myself as I really was. But all the counselor tried to do was convince me divorce was ok and normal. He was trying to teach me to control! After that second visit, I broke the first promise I had made to God in my restoration jouney. I kicked my earthly husband out. Oh ladies, you don't know how that destroyed my earthly husband. How it destroyed my children. How it destroyed me. I tried to stop it, to talk to my earthly husband. But it was too late. God used this to begin letting me see truly who I was.

What principles, from God's Word (or through our resources), did the Lord teach you during this trial, Helen?

Journal entry after journal entry, I began to realize that the difficulties were the light God was shinning on who I was. I started little by little to understand what my earthly husband was trying to tell me. But now he was no longer willing to talk, no longer willing to work on things. I needed time away, to clear my mind and focus on God. So I went for a weekend retreat and realized there how much better I thought myself than others. I realized how much I conceal myself from others and how this matters for intimacy. How else can I have a relationship if I am not willing to open up and be vulnerable. I saw how afraid I was to be unloved and how it prevented me from being able to see what my earthly husband was going through. It was that week that the couple from the Church sent me the book "How God can and will restore your marriage". I spent all my energy and time trying to get that book onto my phone and I read it as fast as I could! We happened to be on vacation, a vacation we had planned as a family that Gary did not come to. It was SO painful, I felt numb most of the time. But I would wake up early to pray and read. And more and more God started to show me how much pain and hurt I had caused and He showed me how beautifully my earthly husband had loved me when I was SO unloveable. Through RMI I learned what love in action actually looked like. I learned to be still, to be quiet. I realized that the more time I spent in prayer, fasting and living in gratitude, the more I was filled with love. Then I was capable of giving that love to my children, to Gary and to those around me. None of the changes were over night, but they each happened without me even knowing. How beautifully and gently God works when we seek Him and try to give all we have. I remember what should have been my first praise report was so simple but a hard lesson for me. A few weeks after reading the book and trying to let go even more, applying the principles of being quiet and gentle, I tried to be thoughtful. The first change he noticed was I kept putting new cokes in the fridge everytime he drank them. Ladies, my earthly husband was shocked. He kept asking why wasn´t I opinionated, why am I being kind, why am I putting cokes in the fridge. Another principle that helped was to give in to my Heavenly Husband's authority by giving in to my earthly husband. We fought on so many little things and one by one, I wrote them all down and worked to change them all. I also fasted, sometimes on purpose and sometimes I couldn't eat, but I also fasted from talking. I learned to look at Gary in the eye and would even squat down so I would remind myself I am not above my earthly husband, but that he is the head of the house. I learned if I just smiled and didn't respond, most of the time he would just answer himself! I learned that in moments where my earthly husband asked for me to guide him if I stayed quiet, my Heavenly Husband would speak directly to his heart all I would have said but Him saying it, Gary believed it! How much God will do for us, and wants to do for us if we just moved out of His way!

What were the most difficult times that God helped you through, Helen?

God is so perfect and knows exactly the struggles we can each handle and when. Throughout this whole period, the children never knew that my earthly husband was no longer living at home. Although it was a beautiful gift, having Gary home everyday what I first thought was "pretending" to be a family and him walk out every night, night after night, was like constant daily rejection. It felt like he was leaving me over and over. But even then, the second I ran to my prayer closet to praise God, it seemed almost as if there was no longer any pain! The most difficult moments for me were seeing myself, seeing the pain I caused, and knowing I kicked him out. That the struggles the children felt, because even though daddy was home at night, things were not the same. Then seeing any mistakes I would make, how much they would torment me at the beginning. I would think now I won't be restored!! But I learned that those too are the devil's tricks to keep us from peace in our family. God is greater than any mistake I make and He doesn't need anything from me, but He does want to see us continue to try. And when it's time, He helps us! Another difficult moments were when I found out about the other woman, that was a horrible moment. Watching him take the kids to celebrate Father's day without me. Knowing Gary took her to see his family, and this one happened very close to our restoration. Throughout the whole separation, he never let us know she existed, his family accidentally let it slip. And there I made my second promise, to believe what my earthly husband says and to let God bring it out if it was His will. One day seeing him put her on a video call so she could see the kids. He didn't realize I had the phone facing me and when I turned it to look closely because I didn't understand why a woman's face was there, he quickly turned it back to himself and was super flustered. Somehow God managed to keep me smiling and speaking kindly and I felt no pain! He crushed my earthly husband and he was in turmoil for days.

Helen, what was the “turning point” of your restoration? 

I wanted SO much to desire God more than Gary but He can always tell what is in our hearts. After several months of waking up early EVERY day to pray, fighting myself to keep my thoughts on Him, fighting my desires to be selfish and practice taking care of my house, take care of my kids, trying to pay attention and listen when my earthly husband wanted to talk, keep quiet when he did, to give in to all my earthly husband preferences, I finally began to let go not only of my situation but of my overthinking. Of my thinking, I am not good enough, or beautiful enough, or worrying that things are not going perfectly or that the house was not perfect. I began to have a stillness that I cannot understand. I began to live in the present moment and really be with the people around me. To really laugh and have fun without worrying if I am doing it right or not. Not right by sin, but worried about my outward appearance. Instead, I just prayed constantly, thanked God constantly, expected nothing, and was grateful for everything. During all these months, prior to this, my earthly husband continued to have small "talks" with me always ending with the usual I love you but as the Mother of my children. It was then that Gary began to speak differently, look at me differently, and started acting strangely. And it wasn't that I didn't care, but that God's love was so much more on my mind, in heart, and in thinking of giving all of that love to Him by giving it to my earthly husband, that I didn't react and I just felt gratitude. I already had all I needed and loving was all that mattered now.

Tell us HOW it happened, Helen? Did Gary just walk in the front door? Helen did you suspect or could you tell you were close to being restored?

It started with something I didn't think meant anything. I was so used to expecting nothing and just accepting what was in front if me, that to me, it was just the next step in God's plan. One day Gary asked if I wanted to go to the gym. I said I'd love to and so he planned a day for us to go. I didn't realize until after, but it was the first time since his birthday that we were alone again, praise God! We drove to the gym and he added me to his account. Then the lady showed me around the gym and I went off to started my old usual routine. After we arrived back home, he was in shock and asked why I didn't join him for the workout, that he had intended it for us to do together! Well I had no idea and had just assumed that my tiny figure, I had fallen all the way down to 91lbs at my lowest, that he saw me as needing help. Well ladies, he didn't! He was trying to find a way back in. I still didn't think much of it at the time and I apologized and told him I would love to work out with him. Sometime later he also mentioned getting together to have a "talk" which never happened. Instead one day he seemed off and I asked if he was ok. He said he had a big decision to make and he was struggling. I just told him I hoped it worked out in his favor and he left. I don't remember now how soon after, but just a couple weeks before our anniversary that year, I was shopping with my mom. He asked if I could come to get the kids when I was done. When I arrived back at the house, he texted me and asked me to shower and get ready that he wanted to take me somewhere. I just said ok and got ready. It seems so odd to me that none of it felt awkward, I just went with the flow and stayed in prayer. He kept asking why I was so calm, why didn't I want to know where we were going, and why wasn't I asking questions.. he even asked if my mom had told me something. I only responded with, my mom knows something?? Well, we ended up at a beautiful restaurant and winery. We had a nice dinner and when he finally worked up the courage, he asked how I would feel about trying again. What if we tried dating each other again? He didn't come home right away and we tried to go slow, but it was hard! He moved back in about 3 weeks later. For us, it was hard not to try to work on everything and try to go back to normal right away. Instead, we tried to work through things, not to tell him what I wanted, but to learn how to express ourselves in a loving caring way. To be able to divide the housework, work on projects together, keep ourselves united in what we are doing, to be open to hear each other and be attentive to give all we can. It's challenging, especially to keep quiet in those moments when the urge can be SO strong to "teach" him or express worry and remember those are the moments to be still and to keep my HH close so He can continue to work in us. To snuggle my Heavenly Husband by snuggling my earthly husband!

Yes and no. Part of me felt like something was coming. But then I thought no, especially when just weeks before, I went through some very tough times. It seemed at that point like my earthly husband did not care at all, even when we needed him during a difficult moment. It turned around so quickly that I didn't expect it then. But I remember praying daily, saying to my Heavenly Husband, thank you that today is not the day, because You know it is not the right day, but praise You for You already know what day is the perfect day. And He has a perfect day for you too. I think sometimes He tests us to know whether or not or are willing to wait in patience, to persevere in prayer, and that we aren't just going to give up when things do not seem to be changing, or going our way. Like a Father tests his children to see if they have learned a lesson. Not to be mean, but for their own good. Otherwise, all that we have endured might be for nothing if we are not ready. Let Him make you ready, let Him give you peace only found in putting Him first in everything. And don't rush it because having them home is wonderful and challenging. God made us for relationships and relationships thrive when we really learn to give all of ourselves to Him through others. To truly love others by giving up our will, our preferences, our annoyances and love our Heavenly Husband through our relationships. The work does not stop but the rewards, even when we don't feel them, are worth it. The reward is Him. The reward is heaven. For us and for our families.

Would you recommend any of our resources in particular that helped you, Helen?

Truly read the bible, slowly, and think through what it's saying and learn to be quiet and still by trusting in His word. To let go of every thought, every worry, every plan and go blindly into His arms. I think that is the biggest and most needed resource, realizing He is our HH and He is right there waiting for us to just look at Him, lay on faces and praise Him, be silent, and let Him love us!! Gosh, all the resources at RMI, reading the book "How God can and will restore your marriage" really lead me through what I struggled to do on my own, to understand what God was asking of me and how to find and give love. The testimonies got me through moments where I felt my trust slipping. The psalms and proverbs, I enjoyed so much reading and they gave me so much encouragement. And really giving every last drop of our hope to encourage and help others. Even if their situation is different, even if it is some other type of trial. Journaling whether through RMI or on your own.

Would you be interested in helping encourage other women, Helen?

 Yes

Either way, Helen, what kind of encouragement would you like to leave women with, in conclusion?

Nothing under heaven lasts forever, not our good times, not our bad times, not any person's life or even our pets, not any job, any event even our successes. All things come to an end, and so too will this trial!! And if it seems like things only get worse and worse, remember you are receiving one of the most wonderful gifts! You are walking in the Lord´s footsteps! Or even with Him! How much could He take! How horrible each part of His passion and yet He kept on to His resurrection! Read Job and see how God restores! God created you, He loves you, He provides for you, He defends you, He desires to be with you, He gave up His only son for You, that through His son He might be with You, that you might call upon the name of Jesus and call out to your Father in heaven, and He created a place JUST for you there in His kingdom and He desires only your good. He created your earthly husband, He loves him, provides for him, defends him, He desires to be with him, He gave up His only son for your earthly husband, that through His son He might be with your earthly husband, that your earthly husband might call upon the name of Jesus and call out to His Father in heaven, and He created a place JUST for your earthly husband there in His kingdom and He desires only for your earthly husband's good. And God gave you to your earthly husband and gave your earthly husband to you. God gave you both your children and created your family. He provides, protects, and defends your family. He loves your family! And hates divorce!