RESTORED Marriage Testimony: “Slowly and Methodically Killing Him”

 

Doreen, how did your restoration actually begin?

It all started during our 6th year of marriage. We were still childless and had a long history of many discussions, and in all of them, I was very disrespectful toward my husband. I didn't just speak the words, I shouted and humiliated him. My husband was always having to humble himself to make me happy and to avoid more fights with me.

In three or four "discussions," I ended them by stating that we'd be better off if we just got a divorce. The last time, I created a huge scene when I walked over to his car, dangling his keys, and threatened to leave him for good. As you can imagine, it wasn't a surprise when my husband told me that I was slowly and methodically killing him. Like most women's testimonies, I didn't even realize I was destroying my own marriage—tearing my life down with my own hands.

How did God change your situation, Doreen, as you sought Him wholeheartedly? 

I had already realized that I was acting totally wrongly, but I thought I needed to change to please my husband so that he would "love me" again and we'd be all right. Even though I've been a Christian since I was a child, I now knew God for the first time and realized I needed a Savior, but He wasn't yet my Lord, nor the Husband I needed. Not yet.

As I began to look for alternatives to "keeping" my husband with me, I stumbled onto the RMI website and found myself as a “less than a Godly woman,” not living as a Christian wife should, and I discovered just how wrong I’d been all these years. I proceeded to follow the journey set before me, purchasing resources, being spiritually fed daily with the Encourager, and I started doing the courses. I began to seek God with deep intensity, to become "precious in His sight" (1 Peter 3:2)! It was my Heavenly Husband who taught me to surrender all the cares of my life--indeed, my whole life--into His loving hands! “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalm 37:4).

I started to rest, to lay down in the green pastures (Psalm 1). Rather than fighting, I realized I needed to win my husband without a word, then stand by and watch Him do it (Exodus 14:13). My life changed dramatically, as I rested totally in the Lord. As time went by, there were times I still felt some anxiety, but I knew that the Lord knew me and loved me--despite any of my shortcomings and weaknesses. I began to let go. I knew that He had not finished the good work that began in my new abundant life. I knew it would all happen at the appointed time, and I was more than willing to wait, as I was so happy and full of joy!

What principles, from God's Word (or through our resources), Doreen, did the Lord teach you during this trial? 

The Lord taught me the principle of God's sovereignty, even over free will, which was a huge turning point for me!

“The king’s heart is like channels of water in the hand of the LORD; He turns it wherever He wishes” (Proverbs 21:1).

"A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directeth his steps" (Proverbs 16.9 KJV).

What were the most difficult times that God helped you through, Doreen?

There were so many times that were difficult. Not hearing that he loved me hurt; in fact, he said he didn't know what he felt for me anymore. He started calling me by my full name and not the pet names he used to use. But when I brought it to my HH, He began calling me the sweetest of names. We had our own love songs that made my heart soar. So very soon, things that were missing, the things that were painful, all turned to joyful times of dancing.

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death will not exist any more—or mourning, or crying, or pain, for the former things have ceased to exist” (Revelation 21:4). 

"You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy" (Psalm 30:11). 

Probably the darkest moment was when he decided to leave the house for a week, to try to figure out what he felt about me and staying in our marriage. I say it would have been the hardest, but because it was the moment that I first felt the peace of the Lord, and it was the week I found my abundant life and my HH, I breezed through it, as I never imagined that I could. I only have fond memories of that week with Him.

Doreen, what was the “turning point” of your restoration?  

The turning point was the week he left, that I mentioned above. It was while he sought God's will for his life, whether or not God wanted him to continue our marriage, and I, in turn, found my true Love. As he sought God, I asked God to do whatever was His best for us, what was best for my husband's life, even if it meant removing him from my life for good. I was at the most peaceful place in my life, so it was easy to tell God to just go ahead and do His will, not mine. At that point, I could easily wait for restoration, and it no longer mattered how much time I needed to travel along my restoration journey. I had the strength of the Lord, who was carrying me, and I loved it.

Tell us HOW it happened, Doreen. Did your husband just walk in the front door? Doreen, did you suspect or could you tell you were close to being restored? 

My husband left home on a Monday night, saying that he would spend that week away and on the weekend we would get together to talk, and I agreed. When I had read (in the Word of their Testimony books that I had purchased) the testimonies of women saying that they no longer cared about restoration and that, as they were doing the lessons, something happened, I believed them, of course. But never in a million years did I think it would ever happen to me, nor did I believe that I would no longer worry or care about anything, but it happened just like that!

By Wednesday, I felt a peace that was unexplainable and woke up each morning to do the next day's lesson with joy, and I submitted one praise report after another. As I praised God in my lesson, my husband called me; Glory to God, I was shocked! He asked if we could have lunch together the next day, which was a holiday. He said we needed to talk because he'd come to a decision. He was somber, but because I had nothing to lose--since I had a Lover, I had my HH--I agreed to meet and was excited no matter the outcome.

When we talked, he simply said that God had spoken to him and that he'd failed as my spiritual leader. I nodded and later told him how much I'd been praying for him to be my spiritual leader! He leaned over the table and kissed me, and then I noticed his eyes tearing up.

As of today, we've been together for a little over five months! Praise the Lord! I began writing my testimony a little over two weeks after he came back, but I just couldn't send it. After our talk, even though he'd come back, he came back not the way I wanted, nowhere near the spiritual leader he'd promised to be. So I just figured it wasn't a restoration, yet.

In fact, after he returned, it was I who failed a lot, not him, because I have not been gentle and quiet. My contentiousness returned, because my relationship with my HH began to diminish, and I stopped traveling along my RMI journey. Having my husband at home, working, and going back to church (because that's the one way he had kept his promise--when we began attending church together on Sundays), all of this took up all my time. I stopped following the lessons completely; I left off fasting for a while because he was home because he did not agree with fasting (and prior to his return I was fasting 3 days a week).

Anyway, I stupidly began trying to "please my husband" again, above anyone else, to my shame. Almost 3 months later, I just about lost my restoration entirely! To finish me off, the enemy tempted me to snoop and listen to gossip, and so I discovered things about the possibility of an OW. Just as the contentious woman I had been (because I was on this slippery slope gaining momentum), I confronted him. He confessed that nothing happened physically, but his heart was torn. Thankfully, this was the wakeup call I needed. 

I'm so ashamed of my backsliding away from where I'd come in my journey as His bride, but the Lord used this to call me back. I realized that failing to give God the praise and holding out for a better testimony was foolish. I do not want to go back to the old me, to my old life. I want to go forward.

My husband and I are together, married, but I still long for a child. I believe the biggest trap is that my restoration is not happening the way I wanted it to. Instead of continuing my journey, I went back to the way I was living, the way that led me to this place of needing restoration. Instead of just asking Him how I could continue to fast, how I could steal away moments to be alone with my Lover, I totally turned my back on Him.

I know that God will complete the work He started in me. So, all I need to do is get back on track, remain in the middle of the narrow road of my journey and fall in love with my Beloved again (which has already started to happen :). My trust is that my God, Who began a good work in my life, is faithful to complete it, and I will wait for it, as my HH’s bride.

Would you recommend any of our resources in particular that helped you, Doreen?

Yes, I have already recommended How God Can and Will Restore Your Marriage, your courses, Be Encouraged eVideos, and the Daily Encouragement blog.

Would you be interested in helping encourage other women, Doreen? 

Yes!

Either way, Doreen, what kind of encouragement would you like to leave women with, in conclusion?

Do not give up! I had already thought of giving up, and I recently thought about it again, but I want to say, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith . . .” (2 Timothy 4:7). It's not us who need to fight. He wants a bride with a gentle and quiet spirit. Let the Lord fight for us, while we keep our eyes on Him and our hearts toward just loving Him.

God wants the Lord to be first in our lives! So come on, delight in His love, because He will take care of us and give us the desires of our hearts!