I let Self-Doubt and Fear Consume Me

James 1:4 And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

This was the verse that came upon me while I was on my way home from work. Recently, I felt that I was being tested and suffering financially and as Michele explained separation and financial crisis go together because Prov 6:26 “For on account of a harlot one is reduced to a loaf of bread”. I was often finding myself lost and wandering why work, budgeting and expenses didn’t go well together especially these past few weeks. I then realised that I too was again returning to my old self of spending because I felt self-pity consumed me. Thinking I should better take care of myself, look and dress even better so that no one will think I am miserable in my current state. Where in fact, it should be evident just on my face. The glow that I once had when people complimented me slowly started to perish when I let self-doubt and fear consume me and for that, I repent and ask forgiveness from my love.  

I presently stay with my EH in the same house. I see all of his doings and comings and that is what brought me so much closer to my HH because He had put me in a situation where I cannot cling onto anyone other than HIM, if not for Him and the faith He is supplying me, I would have faltered because I failed so many times. But by His protection and grace, He is still protecting me and my son from the presence of the OW in our lives. He is very faithful indeed!  

I have been on this RJ for 8 months now, but there is still a lot to learn, especially in our relationship as his new Bride. There were times when I let doubt and pity consume me thinking I can never change and be the person my HH wants me to be, especially during the times that I fail but He constantly showed me how far I’ve reached. A client has been on his journey for 3 years, one well-meaning friend of mine for 2 1/2, but I see the same emotion they manifest whenever the subject was raised to their awareness. The once love they had for their spouses had turned into bitter and anger and loathing even where they could not say anything good for them, not considering the welfare of their children.

In the world I am a martyr, my friends even told me they will have a monument raised for me because I was ever the martyr wife. They even went on as far as to tell me that I was fooling my son because I will raise him in an environment where I tolerate my EH actions and lifestyle, that I was making a lie out of ourselves that we are and could still be a family and this is very much unfair for him. That my EH is doing these things because I am not setting up limitations on how he treats me. But if I do that, will I have peace?

All of the things that I decided to do was not because of who I am today, but because of who I know today, I knew my HH like I never did before and His love made me do things which I can never have done for myself. I am too weak, I would fall into the world’s desire but since He had called me, chosen me and asked me to walk closely beside Him, all of the pain I am feeling suddenly did not matter as long as I know it would please him.

Sometimes, I fall apart, especially when my EH treats me very badly with such hostility even when I am trying to do everything my Beloved asked me to, and this I continue to seek Him to reveal to me. I did not know why God and my Beloved made me come back to my EH home and it never was the restoration I hoped for, but if they know that this will be for their glory and my faith, I will comply. Yes, it is very painful, sometimes even more painful than when I started this journey, but my love would not let me cross the other side if he didn’t think I can endure it through him.  

I wished that our alone time together didn’t end up so soon, for I would have treasured each second of it. For now that when my EH is around, the prayer closet I have is only in my mind and heart. As much as I want to shout to the world how much I love Him and want Him, my situation would not permit, but I know He knows my heart. I know I can never go back to the way we were before but with this limited time I now have with Him, I have this insatiable thirst to want for more, nor do I want this to end. Cause a life living for Him is a life every woman deserves to have and experience.

~ Cherie in Manila


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