Two Sins that have Held Me Captive throughout my Life

I give infinite thanks to God, my Creator and to Jesus Christ, my Saviour for their love and mercy despite my sin. Jealousy and envy are two sins that have held me captive throughout my life and I believe that the Lord has decided to free me during my restoration journey. Blessed be His holy Name.

The first testimony goes back to four years ago when a close friend and I went apart. When I began my restoration journey, the Lord made me understand my share of responsibility in the conflicts that opposed us. It disturbed me to see her so fulfilled, as the things and projects that I had never stopped falling around me. My jealousy and envy changed my attitude towards her. Last year, the Lord urged me to contact her and ask her forgiveness. After talking with her on the phone, I realized that I was not completely cured of “the evil”. Jealousy was gnawing at me because she had the professional career I had dreamed of. I suffered terribly because this time I knew perfectly well how bad it is to feel that emotion, but that I was unable to get rid of it. I woke up one morning feeling that my heart was going to explode with pain. I implored the Lord to forgive me and to free me from this evil. He revealed to me that I had these feelings because of my lack of love for her.

Blessed be the LORD because He will bring to the end the work that He began in me. Glory to You Lord!

I am single, childless and the Lord has been leading me into the desert for two years. And because our God knows very well the plans He has for us, my closest neighbour is married and has children. There is no need to say that on several occasions I had to beg the Lord to turn my heart. I would only like to tell what happened a few months ago when she had her second baby. There was an embarrassment that kept growing in my heart. This situation lasted several days until I understood that it was my unhealthy envy that troubled me. I tried with all my strength to get rid of it, but I did not succeed. I was suddenly cold and distant towards my neighbour. I could not look into her eyes. It was horrible: I knew it was bad, I felt guilty, I was terribly ashamed, but I did not have the strength to do otherwise.

The worst happened one night when my neighbours were having friends to celebrate the arrival of their son. Their talk and their laughter reminded me of the loneliness of my apartment. I felt all these bad thoughts invading me, I was suffocating so I went to take refuge in my bedroom. I begged my HH to help me. I told Him that I could not do what is right; that I had no control over what was going on. I begged Him to intervene, to calm my heart and restore peace with my neighbour. I asked Him for an opportunity to bless her, to do something good for her.

My dear sisters, I had not finished praying that I heard that a knock on my door. I opened and my neighbour was standing there. She invited me to share their meal! There are not enough words to clearly describe how I felt at that moment. When I came home, I could not do anything but crying with joy. God did not stop there. He gave me the opportunity to bless her. A few days later, she asked me if I could keep her eldest daughter because she had to go to the doctor with her new-born baby. Our Lord is wonderful!!

Once I stopped counting on my own strength and I trusted God, He acted in my favour. We don’t have the power to do the good that He asks us as Paul says, We cannot change by the force of our will. And also, nothing will separate us from the love of God, not even our sins. I felt dirty and unworthy of being loved by my HH. I felt so bad to be filled with such disgusting feelings despite the teachings I received. I wanted to give up and tell myself that I will never change. But I know His Spirit reminded me that my God will always be merciful.

“And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing. Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,  does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. ” 1 Cor. 13: 3-4.

Romans 7:18 “For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not.”

~ Eliza in Cameroon
French Translator
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